the nemesis returns

I cannot run and I cannot hide. After a while since the last final examination, now I will be seeing them again. The worst about it is the nemesis that was hiding all this time has returned. Whoa...sounds like a science-fiction movie. But what I refer as the 'nemesis' is actually my stressful state of mind because the final examination is just around the corner. The stress consumed my life and as the result, I can no longer see colours of university life because in my mind, all I have been thinking is the final examination.

The stress gives me headache. I kept on worrying and wondering that accompanies me during my revision. Questions like "can I get a desirable achievement for the exam? can I maintain my pointer during the whole 4 years so that my scholarship will always be provided for me each semester? Can my parents get what they had hoped for?" mingles around my mind and caused severe stress for me. There is something strange about me. I tend to bottle up the stress and my problems. It is often said that we better share our problems with the others. But I just refused to do so even though I know, it would affect my studies and my health as well. I think the main problem is I did not trust my heart. My heart says I can cope up with the studies. But my mind keeps on doubting my heart. In the end, my mind conquered my heart and eventually, my soul.


A couple of days ago, I went back home to get blessings from my parents. When i was going back to UKM, my mother told me, " I cannot help you. But I wanted to. All I can do is pray for you." At that moment, the sparkle of tears from her eyes catches my attention, destroying the wall of hesitation that I have in my heart. I can see how she expect so much from me. I cannot let her down. I made an oath to myself. I will try my best during the final exam. And for this stress, I will slice it to pieces at all costs even if I only have a blunt sword in my arm.

LEADERSHIP V PARTNERSHIP

It has been a long time since the last time I'm a leader of any group or organizations. During my schooldays, i was holding a lot of posts-mainly, the leader. I was the deputy head prefect, the commander for KRS, chairman for PSSGM (silat), the chairman for the club of photography, the chairman for crime prevention club, the chairman for blue house and even the chairman of the mosque! This does not include of me being a leader for small groups of students and being the leader of facilitator in courses. When I was in UITM, I told myself that I should stop of being a leader for a while...So, it went that way. I never wanted to be a leader until now when I'm in UKM. I was chosen to be the leader for the PBL group.

I'm not being cocky about who I was. In fact, I know that some of my friends may have a more bombastic-mumbo-jumbo responsibilities in the past. Which makes they better than I am. What I want to share here is what I have developed through the years of being a leader for organizations. What actually a leader do? before that, what is a leader? Well, according to the Oxford Dictionary & Thesaurus of Current English, a leader is the one who leads. For example director, chief etc. So, leaders are suppose to be followed right? Because if we rebel against our own leader, the organization or the group that we formed is at the brick of banishment by our own disobedience. It is like building a sand castle near a shore where a tidal wave is approaching. So, to ensure the group or whatever we have formed lasts long, the leader are suppose to be effective right? Effective in what sense? Maybe the leader needs to make the right decision in every situation? does the leader needs to make the right decision all the time? the leader can never go wrong? should the leader make his own decision without considering what others may think?

This is the time where 'partnership' come into the picture. Through my years of being a leader, I have learnt that we are humans. We do make mistakes. Sometimes, our so called normal-without-a-post group member may got some ideas that even I as the the leader may not think of. What damage would it cause if I put their ideas into consideration? plus, we can work hand by hand and I believe, by this way of treating my colleagues, they will respect me even more. I'm saying this because i can see these values are lacking in my surroundings. I do know and I truly understands how it feels like being a leader. There are some leaders out there that cannot cope with the stress, they starting to give up and blaming each others. In my opinion, a group or organization is not composed of the leader only. Actually, the group itself is the leader. Each and every member of the group carries the responsibility to lead themselves. Not by just relying to one person.

I do understand about how hard being a leader. Because of that, I'm applying what I refer as partnership in my leadership for the PBL group. By this method, we can work together as a group and respect each other.

In conclusion, a leader needs to know how to tackle various situations that may happen in a group so that they can find the exact solution for every problem that they are facing. Last but not least, maybe the title of this post can be changed from Leadership v Partnership to leadership needs partnership.

The Trigger

it cannot be. but yes..it did happened..im actually 'mourning' for my mid semester test. why? because i performed badly. i thought mid semester tests are nothing to be worried about. but the test proved me wrong. now, im regretting about my attitude back then. because now, the punishment for me is worrying wheather the result from the mid semester test would affect so much in my cgpa at the end of the semester. but on the other hand, im grateful about it. this is because i always believed that there must be a reason for everything that had happened...

the event of failing to perform well in those test made me realize that i should expect the unexpected. this is because for constitutional law, i expected that the question that will come out was about constitutionalism. i paid less attention to the other topics. but when i looked at the test paper, there was no even a single question about constitutionalism at all. serves me right....also, the test that i was having a few week ago made me think...maybe God wants to let me know that "you have not did enough". i admit that i have not read enough. i admit that i have not memorized enough case to be used in the test. i have only relied on cases that are being stated in my reference books. i made less or maybe no effort to look for other cases. the final exam is my second chance to improve myself. i will make sure that the same things will never happen again. because a new me has awaken....

The Other Side Of Me..

"National University of Malaysia". Once my parents know about the offer, I can see that they were happy. That was the time where triumphant tears shed. After struggling hard in asasi programme to get a place in law school, well, here I am. A place where I was always been hoping to be in. That is, The Faculty of Law in UKM.

That was the emotional part, now the reflection moment. Firstly, I want to reflect on the process of learning. To tell the truth, only now I can tell how it feels like being a law student. This is because when I was doing my asasi programme in UiTM, the lecturers always gives us notes. But not here in UKM. At the first thought, I felt like I'm going to die here. But on the second thought, I know my lecturer did this for the sake of our goodness. They want us to learn how to be independent, hardworking, how to produce a superb quality of work that we did with our own efforts, and most importantly they want us law students to be able to think critically as to be a legal practitioner, critical thinking is indeed important.

Next, I want to reflect on this course. How do I feel along the way. The course has no problem with me. But, it seems like I'm the one who is having a problem with it. the problem is neither my languange nor my grammar (at least not too problematic). The real problem is my spoken English. I rarely open my mouth in class. I keep on telling myself that my future is no longer of being a psychiatrist, because now, I want to be a lawyer! so, I need to speak up! In fact, I'm a debater. Even though in bahasa, but still, I need to talk a lot. I do feel ashamed when Puan Sitha personally say to me that she wants to see me to speak. I always wanted to. But when the time comes, I have no idea what to speak about. Nevertheless, I made a promise to myself...I will change...and when that happens, my friends and maybe Puan Sitha also will be mesmerized..